What to do now?

Monday, April 5, 2010

It didn't work.  Round 4 didn't work.

My head knows the reason why, but my heart, oh my heart hurts.  A lot.

My mouth keeps proclaiming "God is Good...God is Good, all the time" and inside I feel my spirit doubting.  My wayward heart is having difficulty understanding, and yet I just keep repeating truth all the same.

A dear friend told me a few weeks ago that this was going to be a fight of faith, a battle against Satan.  It was easier to fight the battle last time.  This time, O Lord help me, fight the fight of faith.  Help me to fight to see your goodness.  To really believe deep in my soul, that this is your will and that right now, this is best.

14 months ago, Alex and I started trying for a family.  7 months ago, infertility treatments began.  We were ahead of the game, or so I thought.  But now, there are only a few options left.  Continuing at what we are trying, while paying lots of money, or IVF.  I know God works miracles, life is a miracle.  But I don't like my options. I think this is really the root of my heartache.  Thousands of dollars later, we're beginning to ask ourselves all sorts of questions.

How much do we spend before we are being unwise with our money?
What is the Lord telling us?  Is this His will?

Do we even consider IVF...is it even an option for us?

What do I do?  Do I continue to stay home?  
If it isn't working at 29, how will it work at 32?

Do we try again or take some time off?  Change doctors?


I worry about my ability to make a decision.  There is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel, give up.  I know that is not the right response because I've learned it's my coping mechanism.  I never thought when we started all of this that we would end up here.   Basically exhausting.  This is an emotional process and I just don't know how long I can bear the heartache.  I know, people try for lots longer than we have...but it's discouraging to know you may have exhausted all of your options right out of the gate.

But I know this does not surprise God.  He knew it all along...he planned it.  And I know He's right here with me, comforting me, holding my hand as we walk through this.  He creates life and that makes it all the harder.

10 comments:

Anna S. said...

I'm so sorry Andrea....I know how bad the heart can hurt, we'll have been trying for 2 years next month, it's so hard to keep the faith and trust in the Lord, :sigh:. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Nadine said...

There is no pain like that of wanting a child and not being able to conceive. There are so many out there who are able to relate to you. The best advice I can give you is just to keep praying hard and believe GOD for a miracle. Just remember, there is always hope! With hope, anything is possible. Maybe the time is just not right...YET...it took us 7 years of trying (off and on...sometimes for 6 months at a time, sometimes a year at a time)...it happened when we least expected it...GOD's time is always the right time. It's just hard for us our flesh to wait for HIM and HIS perfect plan. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Charlie and Manda said...

please don't loose hear, please don't throw in the towel. I'm hurting with/for you. I'll be praying for profound and clear wisdom in your lives!

Alex and Andrea said...

Thanks girls...for your care of my heart. I will be okay, but right now I'm just letting my emotions be what they are. We are going to take a few months off and pray for wisdom and begin exploring the other options that are out there. I think I just need a break...

mmmbah said...

Hey - I found you on Elizabeth Esther and I'm really enjoying your blog.

Firstly, let me say that i am a young wife who is concerned about our ability to conceive as well. We haven't started trying yet, but it doesn't mean I don't worry about it all the time.

Secondly, let me say that this is an extremely emotional issue so coming from a complete stranger, I apologize, in advance, for getting in your business.

But I would like to take just a moment to encourage you to do some research on IVF before you put your money there. Personally, when I found out how many embreyos are created (and ultimately thrown away) from each couple, I decided that it was the same as aborting 100 of your beautiful babies. So as you pray about how God is leading you, please find out exactly how your fertility clinic will handle the rest of your beautiful children.

I hope this helps you in your decision making process. and if you're comfortable with your clinics procedures, then perhaps this could be part of how God wants to grow your family :)

Alex and Andrea said...

Welcome mmmbah:)

I see I'm going to have to update everyone on our stance now on IVF. After much prayer, reading through numerous resources from Stepping Stones, and heading to an IVF free seimnar, we are no longer considering it as an option. Though there ARE ways to do it and still honor the Lord, it's WAY more expensive, out of our price range. As my hubby said "sorry babe, not paying $20,000 for one chance at a baby"...and I agree:)

mmmbah said...

I definitely understand. I will be praying for you guys. Thanks for sharing, by the way. It's really helping me think through some of these things myself. Like... "if I can't conceive it might not be the end of the universe..."

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