A season of change

“better is the end of a thing than it's beginning” (ecc. 7:8)

“The faithfulness of God is why the perseverance of man (and little girls) is so important.  What you’re seeing now is middles, freeze frames, the crest of the curve and now it’s falling arc, the ball as it looks snapped in mid-air by your Polaroid. 

But “you have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful” (James 5:11)”….We haven’t seen the fallout of this yet, the gentle misting rain of grace.  Of a love and power that more abounds where sin and tragedy abound…so wait on the Lord, little one, wait.  Because of the promises.  Because “the proper time” He will lift you up (1 Peter 5:6).  Because His compassions are new every morning.  Because He is good to those whose hope is in Him (Lam. 3:22).  Wait on the Lord, child, and be still.   Because we haven’t seen all the fallout of this yet.”

                           Excerpt from In Due Time 

“Won’t let you go until you bless me” by Andree Seu

Change is ahead.  I’ve just got to hold tight to the hand that never lets go.  Today is a new day, for this IS the day the Lord has made.  This season, it’s full of change.  It’s full of heartache.  Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.  Make my heart that way.  You are so worth this…all of it.

On the infertility end, many of you know we have made the heart wrenching decision to stop treatment.  I don’t know when or if we will try it again.  I don’t know when or if the Lord will bless us with children of our own.  I don’t know what’s in store.  But I know my heart.  It’s time for a break.  Time to dig deep, fight sin, cast out idols.  It’s funny how something so good to hope for can become sin, so quickly, instantly.  A calling for women, it’s in us.  Most of us at least.  There is a desire, a God given desire, to be married and have children.  It’s God’s good plan.  And yet the waiting season, “is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison”…It’s just incredibly hard to lay down a desire so deep within me at the foot of the cross…but Lord, I trust you, I trust your plan for us, as hard as this is.  I will follow you…for your way is better than life.

On October 15th I will hand over the keys to a house I’ve walked through almost daily.  I will say goodbye to 3 little faces whose eyes I have looked into for the past 8 years.  I will start a new chapter of life.  Saying goodbye to something I thought I wouldn’t do until we had our own little children, it’s hard.  Having to start anew, begin again.  Life is about seasons, hard seasons, joyful seasons, character building seasons.  But one thing I know, every season is from God above.  If this is His plan then it’s good, and I’m going to repeat that daily.

These boys, R, L, and C have filled my heart with joy.  Sure they have also filled it with terror, fear, anger and frustration, but joy and love those abound.  They are a part of me like I am a part of them.

I’ll miss you boys.  This isn’t goodbye, it’s just the turning of a season.

Are you there God…

It’s me…Andrea.
I know you are.  You are here with me right now.  You hold me as the tears fall, you encourage me in your word, your promises speak new life into my sinful, wayward, hurting heart.  And yet, I have to ask.
You have proved over and over again that I can trust you.  I can, right?
That’s when I hear you.  You whisper in my ear…Andrea, I’m here with you, it’s going to be okay, this is right where you are supposed to be, I have your best in mind.  Though it may not feel that way, I have promised you that I am with you.  I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, You are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you,  When you are afraid, put your trust in me.  Come to me…remember who I am.  I am who I am.
You are good.
You are constant.
You are sovereign.
You are love.
You are faithful.
You are abba.
You are provider.
You are creator.
You are redeemer.
You are God alone.
Lord, this trial may not seem as difficult as what others face, it may seem silly and contrite to others, I can try to be stronger than I am…
But it’s the struggle in our life journey right now, it’s the fight for faith, it’s the daily reminder to trust in who you say you are…and it’s hard.
In the words of Marc Heinrich…
When the trial comes, And all hope seems lost, I will find my strength
In the mighty cross
Only Him…Only Jesus…Only there is joy in sorrow found…

What to do now?

It didn't work.  Round 4 didn't work.

My head knows the reason why, but my heart, oh my heart hurts.  A lot.

My mouth keeps proclaiming "God is Good...God is Good, all the time" and inside I feel my spirit doubting.  My wayward heart is having difficulty understanding, and yet I just keep repeating truth all the same.

A dear friend told me a few weeks ago that this was going to be a fight of faith, a battle against Satan.  It was easier to fight the battle last time.  This time, O Lord help me, fight the fight of faith.  Help me to fight to see your goodness.  To really believe deep in my soul, that this is your will and that right now, this is best.

14 months ago, Alex and I started trying for a family.  7 months ago, infertility treatments began.  We were ahead of the game, or so I thought.  But now, there are only a few options left.  Continuing at what we are trying, while paying lots of money, or IVF.  I know God works miracles, life is a miracle.  But I don't like my options. I think this is really the root of my heartache.  Thousands of dollars later, we're beginning to ask ourselves all sorts of questions.

How much do we spend before we are being unwise with our money?

What is the Lord telling us?  Is this His will?

Do we even consider IVF...is it even an option for us?

What do I do?  Do I continue to stay home?  

If it isn't working at 29, how will it work at 32?

Do we try again or take some time off?  Change doctors?

I worry about my ability to make a decision.  There is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel, give up.  I know that is not the right response because I've learned it's my coping mechanism.  I never thought when we started all of this that we would end up here.   Basically exhausting.  This is an emotional process and I just don't know how long I can bear the heartache.  I know, people try for lots longer than we have...but it's discouraging to know you may have exhausted all of your options right out of the gate.

But I know this does not surprise God.  He knew it all along...he planned it.  And I know He's right here with me, comforting me, holding my hand as we walk through this.  He creates life and that makes it all the harder.

Round 2

PCOS

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12-45years old) and is one of the leading causes of infertility.

The principal features are obesity, anovulation (resulting in irregular menstruation), acne, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

This is what we are dealing with.  If you read the description above you will notice that I don't really meet the qualifying markers.  I am not overweight by any means, do not have excessive hair, am not insulin resistant, nor do I have any abnormal hormonal issues.  Which puts me in the an even smaller percentage.  I am thin, have cystic ovaries, and do not menstruate on my own.  The usual protocol is to lose weight, eat low carb, go on metformin an insulin drug, and clomid.  Unfortunately I cannot lose weight and I am clomid resistant, meaning I did not respond at all.  So injections are the next step, which most of you already know.  Better than clomid and best of all last round, two little eggs released...which is a huge blessing of it's own:)

Round 2 starts Saturday...wish us luck:)  and Stop us! if we ever set foot to adopt a pet in another country!!

Gona-what?!?

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, sho does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 4:4-7

I'm thankful for friends who are helping me pull through.  I'm thankful for a tender and caring husband who is learning that just being there is enough.  I'm thankful for my mother and the words she speaks about God's goodness.  I'm thankful for doctors who are forging ahead, not dwelling on things that don't work and not wasting our money.  I'm thankful for all of my friends that are pregnant right now (which is a lot)...don't ever believe the lie that I am not happy for you...I am!  I'm thankful that my God is SOVEREIGN, GOOD, LOVING, and that His will is always PERFECT.

The reason I have been sharing our struggle with fertility is because of how blessed I have been by the wisdom, insight, and care from others.  It seems a little bit more normal then, not like the elephant in the room that no one is asking about.  Also I know people are interested...even if they do not admit it.  And finally, because when I hear, read, am invited in to share in others' struggles I am almost always blessed myself.  I could not go through this alone and if I did the pit would be beckoning me every step of the way.  You, friends, have pointed me to the  cross and for that I am so very thankful.

It's not an easy struggle...but the Lord gives life.  He alone creates children and I believe wholeheartedly in a God who incredibly Sovereign, even in things that do not seem to make sense.  Even if we are never able to have our own children.  Even if he takes Alex away. 

To give you a brief glimpse of where we are...clomid did not work.  Ovaries are still stubborn and unwilling to ovulate.  So we are moving on.  The greatest blessing this week was that we are not so far away from meeting our deductible so the next 4 cycles of treatment will be paid for 100%.  That is a huge blessing.  We're moving on to Gonadotraphins.  Here's to 2010:)  Cheers!

God has a sense of humor

First things first, I got myself out of the house for a great walk/run this morning.  It was during this great endorphin high that I realized how irony and humor come in to play when it comes to the Lord.

During this season of not knowing whether my body will ever be able to bring forth life, the Lord has been good to me, even causing a chuckle here or there.  I've been focusing on the goodness of the Lord and how being with him is better than life, any life.  So on my walk, I was checking my google reader and guess what, yet another person was pregnant.  Whether it's people I know personally or in the blogosphere, this is the time for bringing forth life.

During this season, I have a few choices...I can be embittered by this, acknowledge it and forge ahead, or I can embrace it and be joyful for those who are expecting.  I'm in between the latter two, because if I'm honest being embittered just does not fit my personality.  There are things better than children...like chocolate for instance, or so I'm fighting to believe!

So back to google reader...after reading the post, I laughed out loud.  Good thing there wasn't anyone around, it was quite a chuckle I had with the Lord.  He's pretty funny!  Why was I laughing and thinking he has a sense of humor.  Because I believe that sometimes the Lord puts trials in our lives to produce in us godliness, endurance, and faith in his will, not ours.

  "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces charachter, and characherter produces hope..." Romans 5:3-4

I had a little conversation with the Lord at that point here's a quick synopsis:

me:  Lord, you're pretty funny...seriously, another person, you have got to be kidding...(insert laughter)

lord:  kidding, i am not. 

me: i know, Lord.  you are better than life, better than a baby, better than anything.  it will be okay, even if you never bless us with children, because you are better than anything this life can offer.

lord:  know this..."In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world" John 16:33

me:  thanks for the overflowing of life...i can laugh now at the irony, because i'm growing in my understanding of who you are and why you put trials in our way...thank you for testing my faith.

Enough

The all-sufficient one...El Shaddai...The Lord is enough

For Abraham in Genesis, the Lord was enough.  He was the "pourer forth," the one who pours himself out for his creation (noted from Lord I want to know You, Kay Arthur).  His Grace is sufficient, He is enough.  This is what the Lord has been teaching my heart these past few days.  No matter what comes our way, no matter the day and hour, He is all sufficient...enough.

When I am honest with myself, like I was yesterday, I know I am not acknowledging the Lord as enough.  There are things I want, things I don't understand, things that hurt.

As a child, I always wanted to be the mommy to my dolls, stuffed animals, to anything.  I'm a nanny.  I was a early childhood major in grad school.  It's obvious I love children.  Right now, the one thing I was ready for, wanting, thought might come a little easier, is not.  About a month ago, I was referred to an Infertility Specialist.  Disheartening, yes.  Encouraging, maybe.  A test of faith, absolutely.

Maybe we'll get pregnant, maybe not.  But at the end of the day, I hear my Savior asking, "Am I enough?"  Yes Lord, whether you open my womb or not You are ENOUGH!

As I stumble down this new road, new path for our lives, I'm grasping hold of the verse that always comforts my heart:

"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off";

fear not for I am with you,

be not dismayed, for I am your God,

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  ( Isaiah 41:9b-10)

God's righteous right hand refers to Jesus...I want to be upheld by Jesus, the perfecter of my faith.  God hasn't promised to open my womb, to bless us with children, to make life easy, but he has promised that He will be with us every step of the way...rejoicing with us and suffering with us and at the end of the day, that is more than ENOUGH!