A Day to Remember

(my college graduation, 2003, my stepdad Jim is on the right by mom)

5 years ago tomorrow I was busy as a bee making coffee and serving customers as a barista at Dunn Bros early in the morning.  After my shift finished, I turned on my phone that had been off all night and all morning.  The first message I heard made me stop the car.  Tears poured down my face as I acknowledged a reality we knew was not far away.

The night before, which would be 5 years ago today, after a battle against pancreatic cancer, my step-dad Jim passed away.  He went to be with Jesus, praying in the arms of my mother. You may remember the race I wanted to run and the race I did run in honor of him, last year in August.

People remember things; when the first man walked on the moon, when Kennedy was shot, when the Two Towers came down.  I remember when we found out he had cancer.  There are times when living out of state is not a benefit.  He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.  No cure, no treatment plan for recovery, only treatment for quality of life, to give us more time.

History would be good here:  My mom and Jim started dating after my parents were divorced when I was 8.  They were married the beginning of my 6th grade year, making me 11.  He passed away when I was 24.  For 13 years, not counting the 3 years they dated, I lived in the same house with this “dad.”  I didn’t live with my dad, I lived with Jim and my mom.  We had our moments, many of them, from my distaste for how he did things, my immaturity in faith and endlessly judging him, and difficulty sharing my mom. 

But the funniest thing happened just before and right after we found out.  I came to respect him…God so softened my heart towards this man, this “dad.”  And during the months he was sick he was a pillar of faith for me.  My only regret was not getting to know this man as I did in those last months over the course of 12 years.  Without the stress of work and life, he came to life.  My eyes opened to the man my mother loved and I came to love every moment I spent with him those last months, just doing life.  I was traveling back to WI almost every weekend to just be there, soaking in all I could. 

It’s good to remember, I don’t want to forget who he was and how he impacted my life.  But my heart today, goes out to the 5 children he left behind, and their children, who may not remember Grandpa.  And my mother, who has endured many losses, especially that of the husband she so loved.  He was taken too soon it seemed, and yet with a Sovereign God we know he was taken at the PERFECT time. 

Jim, today we remember you, your humor, your heart and the life you lived, and the impact you had on us, myself included.  We love you.

Complaining…

These past couple of weeks I’ve heard a lot of complaining from friends, relatives, acquaintances, and strangers…myself included.

It doesn’t surprise me really, we are by nature sinful and our response by nature to things that do not go OUR way is to complain.  Whether it’s complaining that someone didn’t do something right, we do not have children and everyone else does, we don’t have such and such that someone else has, the drivers on the highway aren’t driving right, the church service was not to our liking, and the list goes on.

I find myself so often allowing the complaint to enter my mind, take root in my heart, and come out of my mouth without even thinking that by chance, my now mindful, heart produced, words of complaint are not pleasing to the Lord. 

If He is all good and His ways are good and He gives us all we need, why on earth do we give way to complaint, only to grieve the Lord.

I’m encouraged by scripture to not complain but instead be content.  Praying that in whatever circumstance you find yourself in today, you will commit it to the Lord and praise him for where He has you in that moment, instead of giving way to a complaint.

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Philippians 4:11

“Keep your life free from love of money (or things/people/etc.), and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

1 Timothy 6:6-8

“Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world” Philippians 2:14-15

“For the sake of Christ, then,I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:10

What do you fear?

I know what I fear.  Most of the time. 

I fear people, expectations, making phone calls, and meeting new people.  I’m a PEOPLE PLEASER…and I fight it all the time.

I fear the future, being childless, being alone, and losing Alex.  I’m probably slightly CO-DEPENDENT…again, fight it all the time.

How do you fight FEAR?

This past weekend I had the pleasure of hearing Andree Seu speak at our church’s annual Women’s Conference.  730 women attended and heard good Gospel truth on how to fight fear.

Nuggets of Truth for You:

“When I am afraid, I will trust in You, Lord” PSALM 56:3

Remember…We rely upon the LORD’s CHARACHTER to battle fear, He’s good, kind, loving, gracious, powerful, and has perfect knowledge.

Fear is the RESULT of a wrong focus…if we’re fearful, we are not fixing our eyes on CHRIST, but instead the circumstances.

Fear is a gap between our THEOLOGY and our REALITY.

One of my favorite sayings from a friend of mine is that disappointment is the result when our expectations differ from reality…in the same way, Fear is the result when our REALITY differs from our THEOLOGY.

If we believe GOD to be truly SOVEREIGN and that HE DESIRES to give us HIS BEST…what do we have to FEAR?

Changes my perspective a little, did it yours?

A season of change

We made a decision.  A big one.  Not related to babies, surprisingly.

After 2 1/2 years, we are leaving our small group.  I know.  I have tears in my eyes as I write this.  These brothers and sisters in our small group are true friends, coming alongside us, giving hugs when tears won’t stop, helping us fight for joy, and along the road providing plenty of joy to our hearts.  They are what our hearts desired for so long.  True Gospel friends.

Why?  Many reasons.  Too many to list, probably.  In a time when we probably need them the most, we know that the Lord is leading us elsewhere.  Talk about a hard reality to swallow. 

For the past year, Alex and I have missed downtown campus.  We’ve both been at Bethlehem for almost 8 years, members for almost 5.  We “grew up” at downtown campus…we miss it.  Most of our small group lives south of the river, so we attended south for community.  But it’s not the right fit. 

We also have realized that this place where we are isn’t fitting as well as it did before.  You see, we’re the barren in the basket of fruitfulness.  My heart is burdened by the fact that the others would profit from conversations regarding parenting that they probably wouldn’t have with us present.  I don’t want to hinder a brother or sister.

Lastly, our small group was close to splitting and by leaving we pray they would have far more months together to fight for joy as one.

We’ll miss these great friends, partners in Jesus, but are thankful for the relationships we have made that we know extend further than Tuesday nights. 

Praying we find a group we fit in that can benefit us as this one has…a great feat to be sure.

we’ll miss you.

Tying my shoestrings…

Running is an endorphin lifter.  It’s been researched and proven.  Well, I think that can be said of most exercise.  But running for me is a way to clear my mind, let go, and just be me.

I stated it on Facebook and I will state it here as well.  I am training for my second half marathon in the time we are taking a break from trying for babies.  I am hoping if I say it out loud enough it will become true in my head and I will get motivated to train.

You see, today is the first day in a long time that I am tying my running shoes for the activity of running.  It’s been almost an entire year from training…I’m hoping for the best, that I can still run for 10 minutes without having to stop and gasp for air. 

Lord, help me so I do not keel over and die on the side of the road from exercise induced exhaustion.  Wish me luck:)

Ps…what is your favorite exercise activity/endorphin lifter?

Easter

This Easter Alex and I spent time with my family back in WI.  It was really sweet to be there and good to have a little chaos thrown into our lives.  I mean, 3 six year olds, a sick baby, and a spirited 3 year old, make life a little less ordinary and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

On Easter Sunday, my family went to visit my Grandpa in Manitowoc...this was a sweetness that overwhelmed any sadness I was having that morning.  About a month ago, I wrote and sent a letter to my Grandpa, thinking we wouldn't see him again.  I wrote him because I wasn't sure of his salvation.  And as scary as it was, I sent it, this letter proclaiming the gospel of Jesus, and what a blessing that I was able to see him again.

My Grandpa is 96 and is a fighter.  He has diabetes, his kidneys are failing, he has refused dialysis, he has open wounds on his legs from the diabetes, and though it takes most of his energy to walk, he keeps going strong.

There wasn't time to inquire over the letter or what his thoughts were, but Jesus knows.  He knows His heart and that is enough.  But I'm so thankful that He gave me another day to spend with my Grandpa.

 

What to do now?

It didn't work.  Round 4 didn't work.

My head knows the reason why, but my heart, oh my heart hurts.  A lot.

My mouth keeps proclaiming "God is Good...God is Good, all the time" and inside I feel my spirit doubting.  My wayward heart is having difficulty understanding, and yet I just keep repeating truth all the same.

A dear friend told me a few weeks ago that this was going to be a fight of faith, a battle against Satan.  It was easier to fight the battle last time.  This time, O Lord help me, fight the fight of faith.  Help me to fight to see your goodness.  To really believe deep in my soul, that this is your will and that right now, this is best.

14 months ago, Alex and I started trying for a family.  7 months ago, infertility treatments began.  We were ahead of the game, or so I thought.  But now, there are only a few options left.  Continuing at what we are trying, while paying lots of money, or IVF.  I know God works miracles, life is a miracle.  But I don't like my options. I think this is really the root of my heartache.  Thousands of dollars later, we're beginning to ask ourselves all sorts of questions.

How much do we spend before we are being unwise with our money?

What is the Lord telling us?  Is this His will?

Do we even consider IVF...is it even an option for us?

What do I do?  Do I continue to stay home?  

If it isn't working at 29, how will it work at 32?

Do we try again or take some time off?  Change doctors?

I worry about my ability to make a decision.  There is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel, give up.  I know that is not the right response because I've learned it's my coping mechanism.  I never thought when we started all of this that we would end up here.   Basically exhausting.  This is an emotional process and I just don't know how long I can bear the heartache.  I know, people try for lots longer than we have...but it's discouraging to know you may have exhausted all of your options right out of the gate.

But I know this does not surprise God.  He knew it all along...he planned it.  And I know He's right here with me, comforting me, holding my hand as we walk through this.  He creates life and that makes it all the harder.